Rediscovering Rachel - Six Months Post Vipassana
- Rachel S.
- Aug 1, 2023
- 5 min read
Updated: Dec 17, 2023
I used to think I was an open book, but I have discovered that I am a pretty private person… I don't share much about my life, but today, I felt compelled to share where I am, a few months into my 35th year and 6 months since Vipassana…
(I didn’t realize I said this in the first post until after I wrote my third. Clearly, I was still processing and learning this fact. 😅 I love it!)
Quick reminder, Vipassana is a 10-day silent meditation course/retreat that can assist you in clearing limiting beliefs, traumas, fears, and more as you practice finding peace in the present moment. This is all through a gentle yet powerful meditation, 6-10 hours a day, where you empty the mind and be with every sensation in the body. This is a beautiful way to deepen your relationship with the self and the present moment. My life has been forever changed by this. (You are welcome to read my initial journal entry on my experience to learn more and see what has shifted since.)
I participated in Vipassana because I felt the call to experience what it could offer me. (I had no clue what that could be, but I had a feeling in my gut and faith in my intuition.) What I thought was just a beautiful way to find peace by being in the present moment turned out to be the circuit breaker for all the light switches I've been turning on throughout my journey this lifetime. I knew a lot but understood nothing. The lights weren't turning on, so the information wasn't bright enough to understand the depth of things. It took a couple of months after returning from Vipassana to see a dramatic incline of shifts happening one right after the other. The circuit breaker had finally turned on, and I was flooded by the lights of many realizations, understandings, and appreciations for what was, what is, and what may be. I now understand and know a lot, all while understanding and knowing nothing.
Because of these understandings, I have had multiple deaths and rebirths of the ego (mind) and have processed a lot in the last six months. I am so grateful for each step that continues to develop every day.
Recently, I've been in an intellectual state of unconditional acceptance while in an emotional stage of mourning and forgiveness:
Mourning the girl who felt lost when she thought she was doing "all the right things."
Forgiving the decisions she made from a place of embarrassment and confusion.
Releasing the beliefs that used to influence me.
Accepting every version of myself and accepting them as guides to who I am now.
This process has been the most beautiful and painful part of this form of "death." Still, the love, compassion, forgiveness, peace, and ease that could never die survived and reminded me that I have always been these things because that is who I am at the core. These attributes are the root of all of us, and I have more compassion and peace knowing that there is always light in the darkness if you choose to see it. I prefer to see the light. Always and forever, but now more than ever.
This is where I get personal...
Through these "deaths", a lot of light has come through and helped me see my past self and present self in a similar, more loving light. Vipassana enabled me to turn on all the lights, but it was quite a journey before then...
Through this experience, I discovered a deep-rooted pain of embarrassment about myself. For over a decade, I dedicated getting to know myself at the core. It took a lot of time, patience, and effort to differentiate between what I thought I was supposed to want/be, what I actually wanted, and who I really am. I am very grateful for this period of isolation/self-discovery because I didn't get wrapped up in the world of drinking, doing drugs, partying/going out, or the hook up culture. Until recently, I honestly felt ashamed for not wanting to do the things my peers did, BUT I also felt like I didn't know what I liked, so I would instead isolate myself to try to figure that out.
At 30, I consciously chose to live a substance-free life, even though I had unconsciously lived that way for nearly a decade prior. The critical difference is that I finally had the courage not to feel embarrassed about that part of myself.
I also chose not to be in a romantic relationship, including dating, kissing, and hook ups. During this time of celibacy, I realized that my optimism, friendly personality, and genuine curiosity to know people are often mistaken for something beyond an honest connection. That has been a bit discouraging when attempting to make friends. I'm still very much working through this. haha
A few months back, I had a beautiful conversation with a guy friend about the dating world, and I shared about my decade + intentional pause on dating and physical intimacy. He reflected back the things that I was embarrassed to admit out loud. Being vulnerable enough to have this heart-to-heart conversation was refreshing and sparked something within... I sat with this for a while and eventually left it alone in the back of my mind. After a couple of months, I realized that even if my choice to remain abstinent was viewed as a negative quality to most, someone would appreciate this about me because I appreciate it about myself. When I accepted that, I felt a sense of ease wash over me. I found peace in who I am and no longer felt ashamed for not being who I thought I was "supposed to want to be." (I hope that makes sense.)
THIS REALIZATION WAS SO FREEING!
I am grateful for these uncomfortable but insightful conversations where I can open up, even in writing. These interactions allow me to feel a more expansive sense of compassion for all of humanity, and it's so beautiful to view the world this way. We truly are reflections of one another in some form. The reflection can be an echo of your own thoughts that guide you to lovingly accept who you are.
This is a sliver of what I've been experiencing since Vipassana. It's sometimes a little overwhelming, but I am grateful for the ups and downs. In short, I am shedding more layers to uncover truths of reality each day. Every part has helped me strengthen my relationship with myself and appreciate the human experience more deeply. This has been a long and, quite honestly, lonely road, but that was my own doing , but also part of my path. Even though it felt like this journey has taken longer than I would have expected, I recognize that if it was any shorter, I may not have been able to enjoy the sweetness in life as much as I do now. I am genuinely excited for the next chapter in my life even though I have no idea what it holds. I'm still figuring out a lot, but that is part of the journey; it's always evolving, which excites me!
So this is me... Walking in my path of light, love, and trust. It's not easy or quick, and when it's tough, it is tough. BUT the ease I feel in my body and soul helps me fall more in love with each day, even on the hardest ones. I am happy to finally let myself be free to just be.
Thank you for being here. Know that I love you, thank you, and wish you many blessings.
💖 Rachel
If you would like to my entire Vipassana journey, I invite you to read the last two blog posts. There, I share where I was in the moment and what I was processing. You can witness the rawness and slow shifts during this year.
In order:
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